How Texting Anxiety Is Impacting Your Relationship—And How to Manage It

You know that anxious knot you get in your stomach when you’ve sent a text to a new love interest and are worried about a reply? Or that itchy feeling you get when your phone is dead and you know you’re supposed to be getting an update from your husband? These feelings are forms of texting anxiety. But what you may not realize is that texting anxiety doesn't simply arise by looking at your phone too frequently. For some, the anxiety associated with texting culture (particularly when it applies to love and relationships) can turn into a serious mental health issue.

If you’re someone who struggles with anxiety surrounding relationships already, it’s easy to see why texting would exacerbate that. Although this form of communication has been around for almost 25 years, it’s only since Blackberrys and other smartphones burst onto the stage that it really took over. Suddenly, it wasn’t the occasional, painstakingly written message popping up on your Nokia—it was being constantly accessible to everyone you know, your friends, partners, and colleagues included. And then came the dating apps: We’re expected to answer quickly and engage in full conversations via text (or via chat in the app of your choice) wherever we are. For some, this doesn't fade even when the dating phase transitions into something more—some of us just feel jittery when we have to communicate this way.

If this sounds like you, here’s what you know about texting anxiety, how it's impacting your relationships, and how to treat it, according to a mental health expert.

Texting Anxiety Definition and Causes

Texting anxiety is exactly what it sounds like: anxiety associated with messaging on a phone or other smart device. Sometimes it might even translate into physical symptoms including sweaty palms and jitters. According to psychotherapist Jessica Collins, texting anxiety isn't a clinically recognized diagnosis, but it is common in the real world. "In sessions with my own clients, I describe it as a feeling some of us (myself included) know all too well—when you need to send a text or are waiting on a text and you’re experiencing things like feeling too overwhelmed to respond, dreading when certain names pop up on your phone, constantly checking your phone for a reply, or turning off your phone and pretending like you didn’t just send a text that made you uncomfortable," she says.

You might experience texting anxiety when communicating with a romantic partner, adds Collins; she cites "already experiencing or having a social anxiety diagnosis, engaging in poor communication skills in previous relationships or with previous partners, friends, or family, and even experiencing perfectionism where you have a fear not to 'make a mistake' or 'say something stupid'" as potential causes. Social media is another key culprit of texting anxiety. "Social media and the internet has given us this ability to receive information almost instantaneously," continues Collins. "Some of us millennials can remember when there was life with little to no technology. So, texting anxiety, I think, is partially a result of a desire to have something immediately addressed or a desire to avoid something that needs to be immediately addressed."

How Texting Anxiety Affects Your Romantic Relationships

Constant text message conversations mean that you have endless opportunities to feel left out (or left on read)—you send something out into the world, and until you get feedback, it’s easy to feel anxious about a reply. This is definitely true when it comes to dating and relationships, especially in the early stages, when communication happens primarily over text. If you struggle with this type of back-and-forth volley or find yourself nervously checking your phone while you wait for an answer to your carefully crafted message, you aren't alone. In fact, in one survey conducted by the American Psychological Association, 43 percent of Americans admitted to "constantly checking" their technology, and one-fifth of Americans associated their technology with significant stress. These were devices that we thought were designed to make our personal lives easier, but for many of us, they’ve been anything but.

The relationship we have with our phones can, of course, directly impact the relationships we have with our partners—whether they are just beginning or already established. "Texting, even without anxiety, can sometimes impact our relationships with others without us even realizing it," says Collins. "Communication is all about how we’re perceiving information from someone through the use of words, symbols, tone, and behavior." Since texting removes that face-to-face experience, problems arise easily: "Sometimes, things can get extremely misconstrued through texting, so we might have a negative reaction to something someone texts us—even if how we perceived the message isn’t how they intended to send it," Collins notes.

Here's where that texting anxiety comes into play. "It can cause us to overthink or read into messages, make us fearful of or push us to avoid sending certain messages and communicating our needs, or make us make inaccurate assumptions about how the other person likely feels," affirms Collins.

How to Manage Your Texting Anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety around texting is its own issue—while texting and phone usage might also compound already existing problems, such as anxiety or depression. In either case, you may want to speak with a professional, as there are several methods that people can turn to for treatment. You can also try these expert-approved methods at home.

Try a few calming strategies.

There are so many calming techniques out there—so if you find yourself feeling anxious about sending or receiving a text, employ one that works for you. "I love using skills like 5-4-3-2-1 grounding, square breathing or trace the square breathing, running a cold cloth or ice cube on pressure points, or listening to a soothing meditation," suggests Collins.

Limit your phone use.

If you feel like you have problems controlling your phone use—or find that waiting for responses or the pressure to send text messages is causing anxiety—then there’s one simple step you can take: use your phone less. It sounds flippant, but it may be a crucial part of your treatment plan (and is something you can try at home for free). "As a society, we’ve become so glued and reliant on technology, especially our phones," notes Collins. "Sometimes, it's good to literally unplug and enjoy other parts of life that don’t require us to be so connected virtually." Leave your cell at home and go for a walk or keep your phone in the car when you meet up with a friend for coffee to discuss how you're feeling about that new relationship—do anything that makes you feel better without your phone, she adds.

This is also helpful if the people around you, like your partner or your children, feel affected by the amount of time you spend on your phone. Make an agreement to make shared time, like dinner or movie night, a phone-free space. If you can set down some solid boundaries about when you will and won’t text, you may find that it helps combat your anxiety—if not, you may want to consider seeking help. So many of us have trouble controlling how much we use our phones—they’re designed to hold our attention, after all—so there’s no shame in the struggle.

Set boundaries while you text.

You can end a texting conversation with a partner if it's starting to cause you stress. "The other person doesn’t have to be the one with the ball in their court the whole time," says Collins. "You can use statements like, 'I’d like to talk about this at another time, in person.' It acknowledges that you care about what someone may have to say, but don’t have the capacity to nor want to address something through text message."

Don't discuss big-picture topics over the phone.

Endless paragraphs? Saga-worthy text conversations? You don't have to field or send them. "We don’t need to be sending novels back and forth to people to address big issues," says Collins. "There’s so much room for miscommunication when we fail to address our issues with people face-to-face." You don't have visibility to your partner's tone and body language when you text, so it's easy to misinterpret someone that means well, but doesn't type well.

Challenge your negative thoughts.

Instead of giving into the nervous energy you feel when chatting over the phone, pause and call yourself out. "We think about 60,000 thoughts per day, and spoiler alert, not everything is going to be a good thought. That's okay!" says Collins. "It’s normal to not always have thoughts that are good 100 percent of the time. We can acknowledge and accept that we’re feeling a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that how we’re feeling or thinking is actual fact. Sometimes we need to challenge our thoughts and say things like, 'Is this really a big deal? Or do I feel like it is? Why?'"

How to Help a Partner Struggling With Texting Anxiety

Maybe you aren't the one who struggles with texting anxiety—perhaps it's your partner who expresses discomfort when they have to wait for your reply or craft one of their own. There are a few ways you can help, notes Collins. First things first: Start by reassuring them that all is well. "Sometimes anxiety can resolve quickly with simple reassurance statements such as, 'We’re good' and 'Everything is okay,'" she says. It's also important to better understand your partner's triggers; maybe they get particularly anxious if you've recently had an argument or are going through a transition at work. Ask clarifying questions, says Collins, to get to the root of the issue.

Setting clear boundaries also applies in this context: Having a conversation about how much you text (whether you're messaging each other or other parties) and when will help you both get on the same page—and keep any intrusive thoughts about a delayed response or any feelings of pressure to reply at a minimum, notes Collins.