12 Expert-Approved Tips for Dating in Your 30s

If you thought you finally nailed the dating game in your 20s, don't get too comfortable, as things will naturally shift and change once you hit 30. (After all, dating is hard at any age, but entering a new decade introduces a whole new set of nuances.) The truth is, dating in your 30s is very different from dating in your 20s, and is a process that comes with a new set of experiences you'll have to learn to embrace.

For starters, the dating pool will be a lot smaller in your 30s, especially if you're looking to find someone you can potentially marry. You'll likely also find yourself dating with intention, rather than focusing on casual hookups. "Dating in your 20s can be a bit like the scattered light of a disco ball, whereas dating in your 30s is more like a focused laser beam," says Jordan Gray, a relationship coach and bestselling author. "If you know what you're looking for, you'll waste less time on relationships that have no potential and optimize for healthy, aligned connections with that much more speed and ease." But that's not all!

Ahead, we provide additional insight into how dating can potentially change once you hit 30. Plus, keep reading to learn some crucial tips on how to effectively date in your 30s, straight from an expert.

How Dating Changes Once You're in Your 30s

As you enter a new decade, it's only natural to experience a shift in your wants and needs. You aren't the same person you were in your 20s, and you'll start to notice that your likes and desires have evolved since that time. As a result, this shift can impact your dating life, both negatively and positively.

As far as positives go, dating in your 30s is a bit easier since you have more life experience to rely on. You also probably have a better idea of what you're going to focus on in life, what type of environment you want to live in, and whether or not you want to have children—all of which make it easier to find a partner that aligns with your goals. Simply put, it's easier to attract like-minded individuals when you have a clear idea of the path you want to take in your own life.

As for potential negatives, you'll quickly notice that the playing field is a lot narrower and that you probably carry more baggage than you did the decade prior. For example, you may have had your heart broken, which resulted in some trust issues. You also may have fewer single friends and the pressure to marry might be stronger than it was in your 20s. Whatever the case might be, however, just know that it's not impossible to date in your 30s. In fact, there are tons of people who have met their lifelong partners within this decade.

12 Tips for Dating in Your 30s

If you've recently become single in your 30s, or just turned 30 and are noticing how dating has changed, don't stress. Below are 12 expert tips to follow when dating within this decade.

Know What You Want in a Partner

In your mid-20s, you might want a partner who drives a nice car and can afford to take you to a fancy restaurant. Although those things are great, once you're in your 30s, you'll probably want to find a partner who can provide for you on a deeper level. But if you’ve never really thought about what you want in a partner, now is the time to figure it out. Write down the names of the last few people you dated. Next to each name, list the top five things you liked about them and the top five things you didn’t. Note any patterns: The qualities you liked most are what you should look for in your next relationship.

Let Go of the Past

Many people who are single in their 30s have dealt with some form of heartbreak, be it ghosting, cheating, a breakup, or even a divorce. With that in mind, it's important to remember that we all have skeletons in our closets and that these experiences have guided us to the people we are today.

Your past has shaped who you are, but it doesn't have to be your present or future. Instead, focus on what is happening now and look where you are going next. "All of our previous partners and the previous partners of our [significant others] are allies in our growth and healing," says Gray.

Be Vulnerable

When you’ve been in a lot of unsuccessful relationships, a natural defense mechanism is to put your guard up. If you don’t let anyone in, then you won’t get hurt, right? As you probably realize, though, if you don’t let anyone in, you won't find "the one."

When you meet someone and there's a mutual connection, let your guard down and be vulnerable. It might make you anxious, but the good news is, you're in your 30s and you have thicker skin now. If it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be. The important thing is that you put yourself out there.

Beware of Negative Thinking Patterns

If you've had a few failed relationships or even a failed marriage, finding a new partner may feel like a pipe dream. But even so, it’s important not to let this negative thinking get the best of you. "If you notice your mind spinning its wheels in the mud of your fear, then you can simply notice it with compassion and choose a new thought," says Gray. When you meet someone new, give them a fair chance, and don't destine yourself to a life alone if it doesn't work out.

"Ultimately, we love to grasp for a sense of control in life, but we actually control very little," says Gray. "We can always do our best to put forth intentional action, but sometimes the thing we are trying to grasp for is being held out of our reach because something better is already heading our way," he continues.

Don't Rush the Process

It’s easy to get caught up in thinking about the things you don’t have yet: You haven’t met "the one," you’re not married, and you don't have kids. And while wanting all these things is okay, grilling every person you date to see if they have what it takes to fulfill your expectations is not.

"Fear and scarcity don't tend to be healthy internal drivers when it comes to partner selection," says Gray. Therefore, focus on having fun and getting to know a person when dating. (It shouldn't feel like you're racing to the finish line.) "Some people get married and have children at 20, some people get married and have children in their 40s or 50s. So, who knows what life has in store for us?"

Dump Your Divorce Bias

Although the divorce rate in America is declining, you may meet someone who's divorced while dating in your 30s. If that happens, don't write them off and consider giving them a chance. One of the advantages of dating a divorcee is that they've probably learned a lot from their former marriage that they can apply to a new relationship. "We are all eternally works in progress, and your partner's former spouse (and all of their previous partners) helped carve them into their current iteration that you are now benefiting from being close to," Gray explains.

Be Open to a Wider Age Range

Does age really matter? Not so much. "When it comes to dating in your 30s, there's a bit more acceptable range in terms of age when you're selecting your potential partner," says Gray. "Ultimately, it all comes down to maturity levels and alignment of life visions." 

Don't be so quick to write people off because they're too old or too young for you. Relationships work because two people are in love, support each other mutually, have a great time together, and, most importantly, want the same things out of life and the relationship.

Avoid Dating People You Don't Like

If you’re not into someone, stop talking to them, stop texting them, and stop hanging out with them. Life is too short! Wouldn’t you much rather get a good night's sleep than be out with someone you don't see a future with?

"In many ways, dating becomes more efficient in your 30s because you know what to optimize for," says Gray. Use this to your advantage by nipping any dead-end relationships in the bud.

Communicate Openly

Good communication is crucial to any relationship; and when you’re dating in your 30s, you and your significant other should be able to talk to each other openly and honestly. Got into your first fight? Talk it out maturely. If you’re not communicating early on in the relationship, that will probably continue as things move forward.

Never Neglect Your Values

Since making time to date can be hard in your 30s, you'll probably have to put certain things on the back burner to make it a priority. Conversely, you may have to put dating aside at times to reach other goals. One thing you should never neglect? Your values. "Balancing and prioritizing our various values is a never-ending dance in life," says Gray. "The only thing that matters is that one listens to the deepest truth of their heart and then prioritizes that truth with consistent action."

Don't Settle

Nobody should settle for a partner who they are only sort of into. The relationship won’t be healthy, nor will it last. Often, people in their 30s, especially women who want to have children, begin to panic at the idea of not settling down soon enough. This causes some to settle for a less-than-ideal partner for a sense of security.

According to Gray, instead of obsessing over a timeline, it's best to "ground yourself in the idea that it may be more true for you to wait until you find the right person"—and consider other forms of family planning if children are a part of your desires—rather than settling for a partner you aren't aligned with and curating a life that isn't right for you.

Don't Seek Perfection

With that said, you should also be discerning of your expectations and evaluate how realistic (or not) they might be. While you should never settle, you shouldn't wait around for perfection, either. Relationships are about meeting in the middle, and you have to be willing to accept a person for their whole self, flaws and all.